The battle with the mother fucking generator and other such stories. (10.6.10)
I fucking hate this mother fucking generator, I curse it and all its generator ancestors and generator children. There all a bunch of lazy fucking fucks. We bought a brand new generator a few weeks ago, a cause of great excitement amongst matt and I. Since buying this brand new hunk of shit I have taken it to the mechanic 3 times in 3 uses. I miss just plugging shit into a wall and watching it charge, or better yet going into the bathroom in the middle of the night and just flipping a switch. Although I gotta say in our bathroom you probably don’t want a large light on at night because you would have to see the 30 fucking mice, 12 roaches, 26 giant spiders, and one creepy dude named steve who sits in the corner. Anywho the gen is obviously back to working at least for now, but at the end of two years I am looking forward to going Office Space on the mother fucker and busting it the shit up in the middle of some field to some heavy ghetto ghangsta rap. Mostly cause I am so mother fucking hood.
On to more important business, last week I traveled in the capital city Mos Eisely (or Monrovia). Great times ensued upon reaching said city of scum and villainy, getting there was one fuck of a ride though. The first day I was in a taxi cab with a monkey, and god did that monkey love pulling this womans hair, and god did that make me laugh. About every 5 minutes I would see the mischievous little monkeys eyes pure out from behind my bag, and then sneak up and pull the ladies hair. If someone woulda taught that little fuck how to high five I woulda been laying some serious skin on him, because his practical joking was hilarious and kept me entertained for most of the first leg of the journey. At length that day we reached our friends house in the city (village) of Tappita. The entire day it had not rained but literally as soon as we got out of the cab and started walking for Max’s house it started down pouring. If this lovely country had a Facebook page under its interests and hobbies it would just say raining, and probably potato greens. Anyways so began my days of no sleep and only good times. I rested small for about 20 minutes of each day other than I was up and rocking. The night started with some Kiss me Knockout Power punch wine and closed with some Deep Love wine. They sound as undelightful as the names make them out to be. The next day we woke up late in the day to the dismay of Matthew the only responsible dude amongst us and hit the road. We piled into a taxi van with 20 other people and a few bottles of water we had recently dumped out and filled with palm wine. Good news for us was that bugs were still alive in the palm wine, which from here on out I will call medicine, anyways live bugs in the medicine = bitching sweet medicine. The one saving grace of traveling in Liberia is that you can crush on medicine the entire time you are going anywhere and not have to worry about stupid fucking laws like open container laws. Liberia is totally road soda friendly, which is almost enough to make me want to live here for the rest of my life. Anyways after long travels we reached the most villainous space port in all of the galaxy ate some Indian food, and other delightful things. I spent about $60 on candy at the grocery store, because I fucking love candy. And other than that I was at a Peace Corps event where I met the Vice President, seemed like a stand up fella, o, and I went to this awesome bar that was on a balcony over the Atlantic ocean, but nothing cool ever happens in a place like that so I won’t bore you with the details but they did play Lady Gaga, so there mighta been a dance party or two. O and they sold HL Smoothies (miller high life) for $3 But the highlight of the whole trip came when I bought the bootlegged Predators starring Adrien Brody! For $2 and as a bonus with the predators there is like 25 other shitty movies, including Salt. However, I made possibly the biggest fuck up in history of shitty action movies and did not purchase the bootlegged Expendables. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!?! I mean it fucking has Mickey Rourke, Stone Cold, Jason “All my movies are the same as Crank” Statham, and holding this whole motley crew together is none other than John fucking Rambo. I don’t really know what it is about, but I hear if you watch it you become pregnant because of the utter hard assedness of it, if you are man you get pregnant because compared to Sly Stallone every person in this world is a sissy girl.
While I was in Mos Eisely I stayed at the very first hotel I ever stayed at in Africa. Well actually it’s not a hotel, but a convent. But they have glass shards on the top of their huge walls encircling the compound and I like to imagine all the nuns where brass knuckles, so it’s a pretty hard ass convent. Anywho, I remember when we first got there and took a cold shower, and slept in a shitty bed, and only had a fan to cool myself I thought to myself, man fucking fuck this fucking fuck pit. However I on my return I was fucking amazed at the glamour of the place. I mean it had toilets that flush at the push of the button, a faucet that dumped water over your head in a shower like fashion, and these amazing electrical things that pushed large quantities of air at you! Fucking Ritz Carlton all up dat bitch.
Let’s see then there was the taxi ride back, it was nice, until we got stuck in the mud for three hours. Though this was a pretty cool I am in fuckin Africa moment. We got stuck at about 4 and the fun began! We had to wait for another taxi to come up to help us, once they got there we hopped on into knee deep mud pit, with winged black baseballs that people in Africa call “flies” swarming around us. For the next hour we pushed and the bald black tires spun in the red mud till they were just red globs of nothingness spitting shit into my face. After a solid hour of enhaling exhaust fumes ala Black and White* the car finally moved up the hill. Than we had to help the next taxi, and the one after that, which in all really helped me to inhale enough exhaust fumes to teach my brain who is boss for weeks. So day gave way to night and every fucking star in the known universe showed up to hang out overhead and watch us push these three taxis out of the muck and mire. Sadly at the bottom of the mud pit there were sharp jagged rocks which cut the shit out of my man feet, so now footsies hurt. But I mean I doubt it will get infected it was just a open sore in the mud for a few hours, and I mean I walk around barefoot all the time, so I just don’t see how it is gonna get infected.
The other important thing that happened on this journey was I duped into eating fucking porcupine again! God damnit! We were stopped at a check point and they were selling meat, and my friend max (this dude who ate snails) poked his head on outta the car and was like watcha selling, to which the response was, country meat. Now I have given a few rules here in Africa and I would like to make an addition to that, if in Africa and someone ever tries to sell you “country” meat don’t fucking get it. Because when they fucking say that shit what they mean to say is hot trash on a fuckin stick otherwise known as porcupine, or other shitty meat. So alas, I ate porcupine, again! Though I found out that last time I ate porcupine I was eating the skin, hence the rubbery goodness about, this time I had a nice cube of p-pine, and holy fucking shit it tasted even more like a rotten baby diaper blended with fat man sweat all served ice cold cubes of pig jiz. Well maybe it wasn’t that bad. Anywho that’s really all I got to say for now, I gotta go read or conquer a country or something. Actually to be honest I will probably go watch TV and by TV I mean I am gonna go watch the two sisters in my backyard fight each other. Fucking real life reality show, what?
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