Fire pants are no fun for the person wearing them.

You’re carrying food in bucket on top your head?!?! One please! (10.15.10)
Yesterday on my early morning jaunt into town I passed a little girl with a bucket on her head selling things. The bucket on the noggin thing is the most common way of selling stuff here, I like to think of it as the African take on the lemondade stand, except Africans are not lazy fucks and will bring the product to you. Anywho this girl had something on her head that highly resembled the caramel empanada I was so fond of at Taco Bell. Before I knew what was happening I had reached into my pocket, grabbed a LD 5, and bought this little fried dough sandwich thing. I took the first bite, mmm crisp buttery (kinda, more like plastic-y margarineness), crunchy and all around quiet pleasant. Than I got to thinking, I doubt they have that T-Bell delicious cinnamon apple goop that I usually sear the roof of my mouth with, what could be filling this little fella, well only the next bite would show what was behind door #3 so another bite I took. To my utter shock, literally my utter shock I actually said What the fucking fuck mid chew, the middle was not sweet gooeyness at all, it was just a few floppy spaghetti noodles. This is similar to biting into a ding dong and instead of delightful cream filling it just liquid hot magma, except spagheck noodles don’t melt your mouth, so I guess they really only have the shock value in common. To be fair I would much rather have the noddles than the magma, so I guess I lucked out there. Somewhere in the deep recesses of mind I had let myself think maybe they mashed up some papaya or banana and put a bit of sugar on it and that’s the middle, but NOPE! It was just slimy spaghetti noodles. I mean seriously what the shit dude? How do you make a delightful crust of desserty goodness, and than in the middle put spageck noods that’s like building the atomic bombs shell and in the middle instead of putting the uranium you just put a bunch of party streamers, and while this would have been way more of a party for the Japanese I think most every would have the words what the fuck were those fucks thinking, were they hammered when they did this, or just really fucking stoned. Anyways I ate it and pretended it was a slimy caramel empanada, I mean at least it wasn’t monkey, so I consider it an improvement. But back to an important thought train, why are there not party bombs!?! Seriously this is how America can improve its look to world, what if instead of dropping actually killing mcdeath bombs, we just dropped party bombs. Instead of running in fear for cover, people would be running in jubilation for 30 racks of PBR and a knife to shotgun those little silver soldiers. I think I have just found the solution for world peace and it comes in the form of the party bomb. Its like a badass explosive piñata. Now to just sit back and wait for the Nobel prize to come to me…
In other news the dry season is here! That’s right no more mother fucking rain, just dry hot goodness for the next 6 months, at least that’s what Liberians say. Its about my favorite thing to ask, when the dry season starts, because they all insist it starts October 15. To which I always respond o so it starts around the 15th, and they insist back NO! it STARTS on the 15th, the rain just stops. To which I say alright and free my next question from my question stables, which of course is when does the dry season end which of course is a dumb question, it ends on April 15th. So I have decided if it does rain between now and April 15, I don’t give a fuck if it is April 14, I am gonna call all these Liberians a fucking liar and probably just move back to America, where I expect to be blatantly lied to all the time so I am just kind of ok with it.
My legs itch and so does my stomach, and there are little red bumps in all the places where I itch, if I was a doctor I would guess that these little red bumps are the source of my itchiness, and if I was a detective I would guess that these little red bumps are being caused by the vaunted bed bug, and if I was an itchy dude in Africa I would listen to the doctor and the detective and do the only logical thing and put my bed outside in the hot DRY season sun to burn these little fucks out of my foam pad so I can stop being itchy. And seeing as I am an itchy dude in Africa, a very itchy dude at that, I am gonna go throw my foam pad up on the roof, and solve all my problems. Its going to be an eventful day, I mean already this morning I solved the world peace problem and my bed bugs problem, I wonder what I will solve next, probably how much palm wine to drink.
Later that day: Well its fucking raining like a mother fucker outside, I mean seriously this is one of the hardest rains we have had in weeks. So I have decided that maybe the dry season takes a few days to reach-o the south east corner of Liberia, I mean the roads are bad. So maybe the dry season just got stuck somewhere on the roads and needs a good push to get outta the mud. I am sure it will be here in a few days, just like anything else that comes from Monrovia. However, all this rain really helps keep my new found hobby of throwing water on children going. So that’s good. I really spend about 2 hours a day chasing children around with a bucket of water, because Liberians HATE water and it is hilarious to douse them. Plus all the other kids love it when it is not them, so everybody wins! I have also started trying to read to the kids in the neighborhood, but I started a little over there head with Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, so we are gonna have to take it down a few notches on the complexity level, but I am sure we will get somewhere eventually, and that’s all that matters.
I was talking to Matt today about how much I did not miss bills. Its like being told you suck every morning, and one that dude just isn’t there, it a huge fucking weight lifted off your shoulders. Although the only difference is I wonder how that dude makes any money? Because the bills make their money by making me pay them. Anywho lets just say having to go draw your water and carry it back, or dealing with a shit fuck of a generator is way more stress free than having to worry about those little white sheets of paper every month. Or worse yet worrying that you aren’t going to be able to shower in the morning because your water might be turned off due to late payment. That sucked. But seriously I never have to worry about if I’ll be able to take a shower (pour water over my head) in the morning, I always can, its just whether I really want to or not.
The thing I am missing most about America this week is being able to make a conference call in an office, full of light and where things are not crawling all over my feet. That’ll be nice. If you don’t know what a conference call is, please reference early blogs.
Well because that shit fuck of a generator worked today, my computer has a charge and I am gonna be up all night as per usual, so I am gonna go watch some LOTR because I am not a super nerd.