I know I have said it once but I will say it again, because this is the kind of thing that people say over and over again, and if people don’t well than it is the kind of thing that I say over and over and you listen to. Waking up in Africa never loses its holy fucking shit this is awesome factor, it just doesn’t, I mean every time I wake up and walk out my back to door to do the kind of thing that people do when walking out there backdoor first thing in the morning, I always look at the golden morning sun shining down on the rolling vibrant green hills of rainforest shrouded in the mist that seemingly congregates there every night to have meeting about whatever large gatherings of mist meet about. The sun is trying to push the mist off the hills and the mist is holding on for dear life to its sweetheart hills, but eventually the sun will win out, the mist will move on and likely become clouds and the hills will sit there and wait for another night and another mist congregation. All this totaled and in much simple terms just means that the mist hanging over the hills in the morning is pretty rad to look at. After I do this I generally walk into to town and greet a whole shit ton of jolly people and buy everything I need for the day to eat and hang out for a little over $2 American. Yes, life here is pretty rockingly sweet. Throughout the day people will come by and hang out, some people I understand and we have good chats, some people we sit in utter and awkward silence before one of us decided that our utter and awkward requirements have been met for the day and tell the other person they have other business to attend to. Than I eat some food, and than I go to sleep. Did I mention that the whole time I am doing this there are birds, frogs, insects, monkeys, and I am quite certain a variety of other life forms providing a bitching sweet soundtrack to the day. I think this is a vague summation of why waking up and living in Africa never really loses its cool factor. I mean I gotta say walking and talking to nice people beats the hell out the walking around your average American street and having some ass hole tell you to fuck off, and while I am not 100% positive of this fact (some people are masochistic and might be into getting told to fuck off) I am certain that falling asleep to the sound of frogs and insects beats the hell out of falling asleep to police sirens (everyone loves a good sleep when they can get it, even masochist ass holes.)
I just finished grading, god do I hate grading. Especially when the kids do so bad, as they have done in this case. At this rate they will bankrupt me of red ink before Christmas time. I thought this was the future, where the fuck is my moustache having, bow tie wearing, paper grading robot named Steve?!?! What the hell kind of technological world do we live in that doesn’t have robots with mustaches? But mustachioed robots are beside the point, though a point that should not be forgotten, anyways grading is no fun, no matter if you have palm wine while you do it or not and I gotta say palm wine makes about every other thing in this world awesome, and that includes sitting in a tiny van reeking of vomit with 20 other people. If I ever met paper grading in a dark back alley I would kick it’s ass, actually no I wouldn’t, I don’t know how to fight, and am much more a lover than a fighter, but I would certainly have some very strong words for it and the way it conducts itself about.
Anways to make myself happy while paper grading I was thinking about how when I get back to America I am going to eat an entire platter of chic-fil-a nuggets. Seriously I am gonna knock back about 60 nuggets in one sitting, and then probably go puke vehemently for about 20 minutes, but I will be well practiced in the art of puking by that time. But as I was sitting there thinking about my nugget victory, I was also remembering that a flight from Monrovia to Hotlanta has opened. Than circuits started buzzing in my brain and all sorts of lights were flashing, and a hot fresh idea came to my head. I suddenly remembered that in the Hotlanta airport there is a Chic-fil-a. I could fly to Hotlanta, eat the nuggets, and be back on plane and in Monrovia all in a weekend! Sure it would be $2,604.60 nuggets, but I think anyone who hates Hitler will agree that these nuggets are worth that shit! So if you wanna see me in shorter than 2 years just meet me at the Hotlanta airport, we can do lunch and than get on with our respective lives.
In local weather news it fucking HOT AS SHIT HERE! I think this might be a little taste of this dry season I have been hearing so much about. So anyways this leads me to an important point, if you were really my friend you would send me an air conditioner, or at least some deodorant for the poor people around me. I am so mixed up in seasonal emotion right now I cant even explain it. Right now my body is telling me that I should be walking in cool breezy air, with leaves lazily dropping to ground, and dranking a bottle of whiskey to stay warm. But my mind and the sun scream, rather convincingly, its summer, its hot, you need to be sitting outside with one pearl snapped snapped, an icey cold PBR sittin in your right hand, and cigar in your left hand. Alas it is hot as shit so I will probably continue to enact my summer plan, but sub in palm wine for PBR, and a book for the cigar. But you better believe only one snap is getting snapped out there! Though I still miss fall in Denver something fierce, and I cant believe I am gonna have to miss an important upcoming Staff Meeting (party). Enjoy the fall friends!
Mornings, Weah, and Imodium. (10.19.10)
Another lovely morning in Africa, slowly my room has gone from pitch dark, to a faded royal blue and now finally the first rays of electric yellow sunlight are tumbling into my room like a five year old farm boy tumbing down a green pasture side. The sunlight strikes my white wall and illuminates some of the pictures I have hung out around my room. Mostly pictures of things and places that I love. These pictures that always make me happy, but they also serve to remind me of how much I miss everyone and all the places I haunted as a handsome youth growing up in America. Alas, they say the third and fourth months are the hardest for homesickness and it seems that yet again modern science is right, though I still think they are lying about things like global warming, and water being something we need to drink. Anywho I have found myself this month more time than any other, thinking about past times had. It really makes me sad and happy all at the same time, I am overjoyed that I met the people, but sad that I wont see them for 2 years and when I do see them, how much will have changed between us is a terrifying thought. But o well, we are all on to bigger and better things, and we had damn good times together when we had our days to have damn good times together. Thank god life changes, it should get rather dull if it didn’t.
Weah the welder has become one of my better friends here in Liberia. When I first met him he came slowly walking up to us, a stretched out grin that revealed his scattered teeth stained black with years of cigarette smoke. He introduced himself by saying that he has been friends with the Peace Corps since 1969, and went on to tell us the name of Peace Corps person he had befriended, James something or other, all Liberians seem to think that in America everyone knows everyone. That’s why I am friends with Akon and Jay-z. Weah has been a huge help to us acting as a procurer of many necessary items, and an incredibly nice man. One day while we were sitting in my small house we started chatting, and the subject of the war came up. Weah went on to say that he had spent most of the war with his family hiding in the jungle. Living in a few houses they built, and a small area for cooking. He went on to mention some of the horrible things that he saw the rebels, things of such horrid proportions it would a make an SS officer blush. This was his life for most of the 90’s, while I was in the middle of Kansas playing little league baseball, and sitting in air conditioning he was here in a jungle hiding for his life. Now here we are together, hanging out in my house. It is just odd how the world works that some live in such comfort with no fears, and others on this same exact planet, breathing the same fucking air wake up in the morning hoping just to eat and not get caught in the cross fire. It boggles my mind more that these 24 hours news networks might make a 2 minute mention of it, somewhere between there 1 hour long session on what celebrities just died, and than another hour long session espousing hate for the current president and claiming he is the antichrist incarnate. America *sigh*. God if we could just spend half the energy and money we exert on hating and killing each other, just took half of that and tried to build a better and peaceful world my mind swims at the possibilities. It just makes me laugh that Americans get pissed when they are stopped at a traffic light for too long and Liberians are totally in love with life as long as they have friends and families around. Anyways, back to Liberia, this story instilled me a tremendous amount of respect for Liberians, just five years ago they were in war that was unimaginably terrible and never talked about in America, and today they are the nicest people you could meet. It amazes me that they have that kind of mental strength. When I hear some of their stories all I can think in my mind is Jesus, I woulda have shit my pants 30 times over, and probably never smile again. And yet these people are working hard to rebuild a country that was stolen from them by greedy war lords, and I get to be a part of that. I get to help put in the first few bricks of a rebuilding nation, and I gotta say that is a pretty fucking amazing feeling.
In other more upbeat news. The restaurant has jollah rice tonight! Jollah rice is not only one of my favorite Liberian dishes but one of my favorite foods in general. As I have said before in posts, Liberians are nice people but terrible cooks (I thank goodness e’eryday that my much of my childhood was spent cooking with my grandma and thus I have some food sense), but I gotta say this Jollah rice is the mother fucking bees knees, the real grasshoppers ankle of food. It’s like spicy fried rice with bits of REAL cow meat in it. And thankfully my case of raging 3 day diarrhea has started to subside, thanks mostly to Imodium. I am pretty sure that Imodium works by putting tiny robots inside your body that than go to your lower end and build a huge damn right there on the spot. Yes, I am quite certain that is how it works, and has nothing at all to do with biochemistry and all that other mumbo jumbo that scientist claim they know. Anyways whatever it does it is really good at doing that, and therefore I like it. If I saw Imodium at a bar I would buy it a drink and thank it for all its hard work, than probably go on to drunkenly ramble about how it is the hard working pills like it that do that hard dirty jobs that keep America going, than I would probably ramble something about how Mike Row (dirty jobs) should be informed of Imodium and do an episode on it, then promptly there after I would pass out in the gutter and sleep peacefully till morning.
Later that night: O sweet lord why did I eat jollah rice when I was sick, I should known that oily spicy rice wouldn’t help with stomach problems! Curse this world! Looks like were going for 4 days straight tonight!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Fire pants are no fun for the person wearing them.
You’re carrying food in bucket on top your head?!?! One please! (10.15.10)
Yesterday on my early morning jaunt into town I passed a little girl with a bucket on her head selling things. The bucket on the noggin thing is the most common way of selling stuff here, I like to think of it as the African take on the lemondade stand, except Africans are not lazy fucks and will bring the product to you. Anywho this girl had something on her head that highly resembled the caramel empanada I was so fond of at Taco Bell. Before I knew what was happening I had reached into my pocket, grabbed a LD 5, and bought this little fried dough sandwich thing. I took the first bite, mmm crisp buttery (kinda, more like plastic-y margarineness), crunchy and all around quiet pleasant. Than I got to thinking, I doubt they have that T-Bell delicious cinnamon apple goop that I usually sear the roof of my mouth with, what could be filling this little fella, well only the next bite would show what was behind door #3 so another bite I took. To my utter shock, literally my utter shock I actually said What the fucking fuck mid chew, the middle was not sweet gooeyness at all, it was just a few floppy spaghetti noodles. This is similar to biting into a ding dong and instead of delightful cream filling it just liquid hot magma, except spagheck noodles don’t melt your mouth, so I guess they really only have the shock value in common. To be fair I would much rather have the noddles than the magma, so I guess I lucked out there. Somewhere in the deep recesses of mind I had let myself think maybe they mashed up some papaya or banana and put a bit of sugar on it and that’s the middle, but NOPE! It was just slimy spaghetti noodles. I mean seriously what the shit dude? How do you make a delightful crust of desserty goodness, and than in the middle put spageck noods that’s like building the atomic bombs shell and in the middle instead of putting the uranium you just put a bunch of party streamers, and while this would have been way more of a party for the Japanese I think most every would have the words what the fuck were those fucks thinking, were they hammered when they did this, or just really fucking stoned. Anyways I ate it and pretended it was a slimy caramel empanada, I mean at least it wasn’t monkey, so I consider it an improvement. But back to an important thought train, why are there not party bombs!?! Seriously this is how America can improve its look to world, what if instead of dropping actually killing mcdeath bombs, we just dropped party bombs. Instead of running in fear for cover, people would be running in jubilation for 30 racks of PBR and a knife to shotgun those little silver soldiers. I think I have just found the solution for world peace and it comes in the form of the party bomb. Its like a badass explosive piñata. Now to just sit back and wait for the Nobel prize to come to me…
In other news the dry season is here! That’s right no more mother fucking rain, just dry hot goodness for the next 6 months, at least that’s what Liberians say. Its about my favorite thing to ask, when the dry season starts, because they all insist it starts October 15. To which I always respond o so it starts around the 15th, and they insist back NO! it STARTS on the 15th, the rain just stops. To which I say alright and free my next question from my question stables, which of course is when does the dry season end which of course is a dumb question, it ends on April 15th. So I have decided if it does rain between now and April 15, I don’t give a fuck if it is April 14, I am gonna call all these Liberians a fucking liar and probably just move back to America, where I expect to be blatantly lied to all the time so I am just kind of ok with it.
My legs itch and so does my stomach, and there are little red bumps in all the places where I itch, if I was a doctor I would guess that these little red bumps are the source of my itchiness, and if I was a detective I would guess that these little red bumps are being caused by the vaunted bed bug, and if I was an itchy dude in Africa I would listen to the doctor and the detective and do the only logical thing and put my bed outside in the hot DRY season sun to burn these little fucks out of my foam pad so I can stop being itchy. And seeing as I am an itchy dude in Africa, a very itchy dude at that, I am gonna go throw my foam pad up on the roof, and solve all my problems. Its going to be an eventful day, I mean already this morning I solved the world peace problem and my bed bugs problem, I wonder what I will solve next, probably how much palm wine to drink.
Later that day: Well its fucking raining like a mother fucker outside, I mean seriously this is one of the hardest rains we have had in weeks. So I have decided that maybe the dry season takes a few days to reach-o the south east corner of Liberia, I mean the roads are bad. So maybe the dry season just got stuck somewhere on the roads and needs a good push to get outta the mud. I am sure it will be here in a few days, just like anything else that comes from Monrovia. However, all this rain really helps keep my new found hobby of throwing water on children going. So that’s good. I really spend about 2 hours a day chasing children around with a bucket of water, because Liberians HATE water and it is hilarious to douse them. Plus all the other kids love it when it is not them, so everybody wins! I have also started trying to read to the kids in the neighborhood, but I started a little over there head with Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, so we are gonna have to take it down a few notches on the complexity level, but I am sure we will get somewhere eventually, and that’s all that matters.
I was talking to Matt today about how much I did not miss bills. Its like being told you suck every morning, and one that dude just isn’t there, it a huge fucking weight lifted off your shoulders. Although the only difference is I wonder how that dude makes any money? Because the bills make their money by making me pay them. Anywho lets just say having to go draw your water and carry it back, or dealing with a shit fuck of a generator is way more stress free than having to worry about those little white sheets of paper every month. Or worse yet worrying that you aren’t going to be able to shower in the morning because your water might be turned off due to late payment. That sucked. But seriously I never have to worry about if I’ll be able to take a shower (pour water over my head) in the morning, I always can, its just whether I really want to or not.
The thing I am missing most about America this week is being able to make a conference call in an office, full of light and where things are not crawling all over my feet. That’ll be nice. If you don’t know what a conference call is, please reference early blogs.
Well because that shit fuck of a generator worked today, my computer has a charge and I am gonna be up all night as per usual, so I am gonna go watch some LOTR because I am not a super nerd.
Yesterday on my early morning jaunt into town I passed a little girl with a bucket on her head selling things. The bucket on the noggin thing is the most common way of selling stuff here, I like to think of it as the African take on the lemondade stand, except Africans are not lazy fucks and will bring the product to you. Anywho this girl had something on her head that highly resembled the caramel empanada I was so fond of at Taco Bell. Before I knew what was happening I had reached into my pocket, grabbed a LD 5, and bought this little fried dough sandwich thing. I took the first bite, mmm crisp buttery (kinda, more like plastic-y margarineness), crunchy and all around quiet pleasant. Than I got to thinking, I doubt they have that T-Bell delicious cinnamon apple goop that I usually sear the roof of my mouth with, what could be filling this little fella, well only the next bite would show what was behind door #3 so another bite I took. To my utter shock, literally my utter shock I actually said What the fucking fuck mid chew, the middle was not sweet gooeyness at all, it was just a few floppy spaghetti noodles. This is similar to biting into a ding dong and instead of delightful cream filling it just liquid hot magma, except spagheck noodles don’t melt your mouth, so I guess they really only have the shock value in common. To be fair I would much rather have the noddles than the magma, so I guess I lucked out there. Somewhere in the deep recesses of mind I had let myself think maybe they mashed up some papaya or banana and put a bit of sugar on it and that’s the middle, but NOPE! It was just slimy spaghetti noodles. I mean seriously what the shit dude? How do you make a delightful crust of desserty goodness, and than in the middle put spageck noods that’s like building the atomic bombs shell and in the middle instead of putting the uranium you just put a bunch of party streamers, and while this would have been way more of a party for the Japanese I think most every would have the words what the fuck were those fucks thinking, were they hammered when they did this, or just really fucking stoned. Anyways I ate it and pretended it was a slimy caramel empanada, I mean at least it wasn’t monkey, so I consider it an improvement. But back to an important thought train, why are there not party bombs!?! Seriously this is how America can improve its look to world, what if instead of dropping actually killing mcdeath bombs, we just dropped party bombs. Instead of running in fear for cover, people would be running in jubilation for 30 racks of PBR and a knife to shotgun those little silver soldiers. I think I have just found the solution for world peace and it comes in the form of the party bomb. Its like a badass explosive piñata. Now to just sit back and wait for the Nobel prize to come to me…
In other news the dry season is here! That’s right no more mother fucking rain, just dry hot goodness for the next 6 months, at least that’s what Liberians say. Its about my favorite thing to ask, when the dry season starts, because they all insist it starts October 15. To which I always respond o so it starts around the 15th, and they insist back NO! it STARTS on the 15th, the rain just stops. To which I say alright and free my next question from my question stables, which of course is when does the dry season end which of course is a dumb question, it ends on April 15th. So I have decided if it does rain between now and April 15, I don’t give a fuck if it is April 14, I am gonna call all these Liberians a fucking liar and probably just move back to America, where I expect to be blatantly lied to all the time so I am just kind of ok with it.
My legs itch and so does my stomach, and there are little red bumps in all the places where I itch, if I was a doctor I would guess that these little red bumps are the source of my itchiness, and if I was a detective I would guess that these little red bumps are being caused by the vaunted bed bug, and if I was an itchy dude in Africa I would listen to the doctor and the detective and do the only logical thing and put my bed outside in the hot DRY season sun to burn these little fucks out of my foam pad so I can stop being itchy. And seeing as I am an itchy dude in Africa, a very itchy dude at that, I am gonna go throw my foam pad up on the roof, and solve all my problems. Its going to be an eventful day, I mean already this morning I solved the world peace problem and my bed bugs problem, I wonder what I will solve next, probably how much palm wine to drink.
Later that day: Well its fucking raining like a mother fucker outside, I mean seriously this is one of the hardest rains we have had in weeks. So I have decided that maybe the dry season takes a few days to reach-o the south east corner of Liberia, I mean the roads are bad. So maybe the dry season just got stuck somewhere on the roads and needs a good push to get outta the mud. I am sure it will be here in a few days, just like anything else that comes from Monrovia. However, all this rain really helps keep my new found hobby of throwing water on children going. So that’s good. I really spend about 2 hours a day chasing children around with a bucket of water, because Liberians HATE water and it is hilarious to douse them. Plus all the other kids love it when it is not them, so everybody wins! I have also started trying to read to the kids in the neighborhood, but I started a little over there head with Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, so we are gonna have to take it down a few notches on the complexity level, but I am sure we will get somewhere eventually, and that’s all that matters.
I was talking to Matt today about how much I did not miss bills. Its like being told you suck every morning, and one that dude just isn’t there, it a huge fucking weight lifted off your shoulders. Although the only difference is I wonder how that dude makes any money? Because the bills make their money by making me pay them. Anywho lets just say having to go draw your water and carry it back, or dealing with a shit fuck of a generator is way more stress free than having to worry about those little white sheets of paper every month. Or worse yet worrying that you aren’t going to be able to shower in the morning because your water might be turned off due to late payment. That sucked. But seriously I never have to worry about if I’ll be able to take a shower (pour water over my head) in the morning, I always can, its just whether I really want to or not.
The thing I am missing most about America this week is being able to make a conference call in an office, full of light and where things are not crawling all over my feet. That’ll be nice. If you don’t know what a conference call is, please reference early blogs.
Well because that shit fuck of a generator worked today, my computer has a charge and I am gonna be up all night as per usual, so I am gonna go watch some LOTR because I am not a super nerd.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tj finally eats monkey.
(10.12.10)
Well it finally happened. I finally slipped up and ate a five fingered animal. No, it was not human, it was a monkey. And I gotta tell you monkey is not as bad as porcupine but it is not as good as poop. Here is how I was done under by the monkey meat. I was famished, I had been giving a test all day, catching cheaters is hungry-o work as they say, than I had some Peace Corps people out so I didn’t get lunch so finally when dinner rolls about, I am fucking starving. So I go to the cook shop (restaurant) and ask the jolly soft bodied (fat) woman what she had to eat tonight to which her response was “o nothing that could please you.” At this point a logical man would have surely said, ok well if you say so you probably are not lying, I should walk away. Thus far I have proven to be an idiot and not a logical man in my food choices, so I figured why give up on it now right when my luck could change. Anywho I ask her again and she says Pepper Soup and in my head two thoughts danced the dangerous ballet of winning over my decision making process. The logical side she said nothing to please you dude, ask her what the meat is. The idiot side: Dude you are fucking hungry and you sure as shit don’t wanna go back and burn the shit out of yourself trying to start the coal pot, and than wait another 30 minutues for the coal to be ready and than another 30 minutes to cook the food, don’t ask the meat JUST EAT! Well I got the meat and was eating a few bits of it while enjoying my soup over rice when matt came up to join me he asked what I was eating, to which I told him Pepe soup, than he asked the one god damn question I was trying not to think about until after I had eaten and the deed was done. I responded I don’t know, so matt looked left and noted the only meat that they had laying around was monkey, and that the shoulder blade in my soup looked an awful lot like a little persons. These are all things I had realized, but I was so damn hungry I was just trying to block out. Well after I knew I was eating monkey I figured why stop now, I mean I probably already got whatever parasite it’s gonna give me so I might as well eat my damn soup. So I did the only logical thing I finished like man, flipped the table over and shouted whose da bitch now monkey and walked home. I gotta say one thing I am entirely to excited about is to eat rice without rocks in it, I mean the thought of taking a huge bite of rice and not worrying about cracking the shit out of my tooth, is something I dream about, and the best news I got this rice guy in America. Dude takes out the rocks for free and sells it you, I think his name is Uncle Ben. That motherfucker has the bomb.com when it comes to rice.
Other exciting newz: When Peace Corps came to visit they also brought the long awaited and highly celebrated gas stove. Now I don’t know if this new fangled thing has hit American shores yet, seeing as America is a bit behind on technology when compared with Africa, but I gotta say I think this gas stove invention is something you are gonna wanna pick up. You don’t have to tear up plastic and get second degree burns trying to start it, and it get hot not in 30 minutes, nay not even in 20! But rather this little mother fucking thing is hot instantly! You can boil water in mere minutes I tell you! I know it sounds too good to be true, but I swear it is real, as real as the sun! Anways since this thing came along I have been eating oatmeal like a fiend, but to be honest I have been craving Cream of Wheat and I saw some in Zwedru, but didn’t buy it for some reason. This led me to make yet another fools choice, I was in my local Lebanese store and saw that he was selling some sort of barley cereal, again I leaped before I looked and bought this shit. When I got home it said it was a food for babies, to which my response was babies have great taste right, I mean anybody who shits there pants and makes someone else change it really has to know what is going on. So I started to boil some water (at light speed) and made some. After the hot water hit the barley shit, it turned an off purple. Here woulda been my first tell tale don’t eat it sign, but I pushed onwards because it was so full of nutrients, and I doubted it could be worse than monkey. So I took a bite, and for some odd reason it had the audacity to have the texture of baby food! Well all things considered it was not the worst thing I have ever eaten, so I ate a little more, but than I released it to be free in the world (threw it on the ground) and let some other thing benefit from this high in iron baby paste. I mean I think ants really need there iron,
Well that’s about all I got. I gotta get up early tomorrow and put a hard days palm wine drinking in. Life is so hard.
Well it finally happened. I finally slipped up and ate a five fingered animal. No, it was not human, it was a monkey. And I gotta tell you monkey is not as bad as porcupine but it is not as good as poop. Here is how I was done under by the monkey meat. I was famished, I had been giving a test all day, catching cheaters is hungry-o work as they say, than I had some Peace Corps people out so I didn’t get lunch so finally when dinner rolls about, I am fucking starving. So I go to the cook shop (restaurant) and ask the jolly soft bodied (fat) woman what she had to eat tonight to which her response was “o nothing that could please you.” At this point a logical man would have surely said, ok well if you say so you probably are not lying, I should walk away. Thus far I have proven to be an idiot and not a logical man in my food choices, so I figured why give up on it now right when my luck could change. Anywho I ask her again and she says Pepper Soup and in my head two thoughts danced the dangerous ballet of winning over my decision making process. The logical side she said nothing to please you dude, ask her what the meat is. The idiot side: Dude you are fucking hungry and you sure as shit don’t wanna go back and burn the shit out of yourself trying to start the coal pot, and than wait another 30 minutues for the coal to be ready and than another 30 minutes to cook the food, don’t ask the meat JUST EAT! Well I got the meat and was eating a few bits of it while enjoying my soup over rice when matt came up to join me he asked what I was eating, to which I told him Pepe soup, than he asked the one god damn question I was trying not to think about until after I had eaten and the deed was done. I responded I don’t know, so matt looked left and noted the only meat that they had laying around was monkey, and that the shoulder blade in my soup looked an awful lot like a little persons. These are all things I had realized, but I was so damn hungry I was just trying to block out. Well after I knew I was eating monkey I figured why stop now, I mean I probably already got whatever parasite it’s gonna give me so I might as well eat my damn soup. So I did the only logical thing I finished like man, flipped the table over and shouted whose da bitch now monkey and walked home. I gotta say one thing I am entirely to excited about is to eat rice without rocks in it, I mean the thought of taking a huge bite of rice and not worrying about cracking the shit out of my tooth, is something I dream about, and the best news I got this rice guy in America. Dude takes out the rocks for free and sells it you, I think his name is Uncle Ben. That motherfucker has the bomb.com when it comes to rice.
Other exciting newz: When Peace Corps came to visit they also brought the long awaited and highly celebrated gas stove. Now I don’t know if this new fangled thing has hit American shores yet, seeing as America is a bit behind on technology when compared with Africa, but I gotta say I think this gas stove invention is something you are gonna wanna pick up. You don’t have to tear up plastic and get second degree burns trying to start it, and it get hot not in 30 minutes, nay not even in 20! But rather this little mother fucking thing is hot instantly! You can boil water in mere minutes I tell you! I know it sounds too good to be true, but I swear it is real, as real as the sun! Anways since this thing came along I have been eating oatmeal like a fiend, but to be honest I have been craving Cream of Wheat and I saw some in Zwedru, but didn’t buy it for some reason. This led me to make yet another fools choice, I was in my local Lebanese store and saw that he was selling some sort of barley cereal, again I leaped before I looked and bought this shit. When I got home it said it was a food for babies, to which my response was babies have great taste right, I mean anybody who shits there pants and makes someone else change it really has to know what is going on. So I started to boil some water (at light speed) and made some. After the hot water hit the barley shit, it turned an off purple. Here woulda been my first tell tale don’t eat it sign, but I pushed onwards because it was so full of nutrients, and I doubted it could be worse than monkey. So I took a bite, and for some odd reason it had the audacity to have the texture of baby food! Well all things considered it was not the worst thing I have ever eaten, so I ate a little more, but than I released it to be free in the world (threw it on the ground) and let some other thing benefit from this high in iron baby paste. I mean I think ants really need there iron,
Well that’s about all I got. I gotta get up early tomorrow and put a hard days palm wine drinking in. Life is so hard.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The saint with the job of writing down my sins aint ever gonna be outta work.
The battle with the mother fucking generator and other such stories. (10.6.10)
I fucking hate this mother fucking generator, I curse it and all its generator ancestors and generator children. There all a bunch of lazy fucking fucks. We bought a brand new generator a few weeks ago, a cause of great excitement amongst matt and I. Since buying this brand new hunk of shit I have taken it to the mechanic 3 times in 3 uses. I miss just plugging shit into a wall and watching it charge, or better yet going into the bathroom in the middle of the night and just flipping a switch. Although I gotta say in our bathroom you probably don’t want a large light on at night because you would have to see the 30 fucking mice, 12 roaches, 26 giant spiders, and one creepy dude named steve who sits in the corner. Anywho the gen is obviously back to working at least for now, but at the end of two years I am looking forward to going Office Space on the mother fucker and busting it the shit up in the middle of some field to some heavy ghetto ghangsta rap. Mostly cause I am so mother fucking hood.
On to more important business, last week I traveled in the capital city Mos Eisely (or Monrovia). Great times ensued upon reaching said city of scum and villainy, getting there was one fuck of a ride though. The first day I was in a taxi cab with a monkey, and god did that monkey love pulling this womans hair, and god did that make me laugh. About every 5 minutes I would see the mischievous little monkeys eyes pure out from behind my bag, and then sneak up and pull the ladies hair. If someone woulda taught that little fuck how to high five I woulda been laying some serious skin on him, because his practical joking was hilarious and kept me entertained for most of the first leg of the journey. At length that day we reached our friends house in the city (village) of Tappita. The entire day it had not rained but literally as soon as we got out of the cab and started walking for Max’s house it started down pouring. If this lovely country had a Facebook page under its interests and hobbies it would just say raining, and probably potato greens. Anyways so began my days of no sleep and only good times. I rested small for about 20 minutes of each day other than I was up and rocking. The night started with some Kiss me Knockout Power punch wine and closed with some Deep Love wine. They sound as undelightful as the names make them out to be. The next day we woke up late in the day to the dismay of Matthew the only responsible dude amongst us and hit the road. We piled into a taxi van with 20 other people and a few bottles of water we had recently dumped out and filled with palm wine. Good news for us was that bugs were still alive in the palm wine, which from here on out I will call medicine, anyways live bugs in the medicine = bitching sweet medicine. The one saving grace of traveling in Liberia is that you can crush on medicine the entire time you are going anywhere and not have to worry about stupid fucking laws like open container laws. Liberia is totally road soda friendly, which is almost enough to make me want to live here for the rest of my life. Anyways after long travels we reached the most villainous space port in all of the galaxy ate some Indian food, and other delightful things. I spent about $60 on candy at the grocery store, because I fucking love candy. And other than that I was at a Peace Corps event where I met the Vice President, seemed like a stand up fella, o, and I went to this awesome bar that was on a balcony over the Atlantic ocean, but nothing cool ever happens in a place like that so I won’t bore you with the details but they did play Lady Gaga, so there mighta been a dance party or two. O and they sold HL Smoothies (miller high life) for $3 But the highlight of the whole trip came when I bought the bootlegged Predators starring Adrien Brody! For $2 and as a bonus with the predators there is like 25 other shitty movies, including Salt. However, I made possibly the biggest fuck up in history of shitty action movies and did not purchase the bootlegged Expendables. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!?! I mean it fucking has Mickey Rourke, Stone Cold, Jason “All my movies are the same as Crank” Statham, and holding this whole motley crew together is none other than John fucking Rambo. I don’t really know what it is about, but I hear if you watch it you become pregnant because of the utter hard assedness of it, if you are man you get pregnant because compared to Sly Stallone every person in this world is a sissy girl.
While I was in Mos Eisely I stayed at the very first hotel I ever stayed at in Africa. Well actually it’s not a hotel, but a convent. But they have glass shards on the top of their huge walls encircling the compound and I like to imagine all the nuns where brass knuckles, so it’s a pretty hard ass convent. Anywho, I remember when we first got there and took a cold shower, and slept in a shitty bed, and only had a fan to cool myself I thought to myself, man fucking fuck this fucking fuck pit. However I on my return I was fucking amazed at the glamour of the place. I mean it had toilets that flush at the push of the button, a faucet that dumped water over your head in a shower like fashion, and these amazing electrical things that pushed large quantities of air at you! Fucking Ritz Carlton all up dat bitch.
Let’s see then there was the taxi ride back, it was nice, until we got stuck in the mud for three hours. Though this was a pretty cool I am in fuckin Africa moment. We got stuck at about 4 and the fun began! We had to wait for another taxi to come up to help us, once they got there we hopped on into knee deep mud pit, with winged black baseballs that people in Africa call “flies” swarming around us. For the next hour we pushed and the bald black tires spun in the red mud till they were just red globs of nothingness spitting shit into my face. After a solid hour of enhaling exhaust fumes ala Black and White* the car finally moved up the hill. Than we had to help the next taxi, and the one after that, which in all really helped me to inhale enough exhaust fumes to teach my brain who is boss for weeks. So day gave way to night and every fucking star in the known universe showed up to hang out overhead and watch us push these three taxis out of the muck and mire. Sadly at the bottom of the mud pit there were sharp jagged rocks which cut the shit out of my man feet, so now footsies hurt. But I mean I doubt it will get infected it was just a open sore in the mud for a few hours, and I mean I walk around barefoot all the time, so I just don’t see how it is gonna get infected.
The other important thing that happened on this journey was I duped into eating fucking porcupine again! God damnit! We were stopped at a check point and they were selling meat, and my friend max (this dude who ate snails) poked his head on outta the car and was like watcha selling, to which the response was, country meat. Now I have given a few rules here in Africa and I would like to make an addition to that, if in Africa and someone ever tries to sell you “country” meat don’t fucking get it. Because when they fucking say that shit what they mean to say is hot trash on a fuckin stick otherwise known as porcupine, or other shitty meat. So alas, I ate porcupine, again! Though I found out that last time I ate porcupine I was eating the skin, hence the rubbery goodness about, this time I had a nice cube of p-pine, and holy fucking shit it tasted even more like a rotten baby diaper blended with fat man sweat all served ice cold cubes of pig jiz. Well maybe it wasn’t that bad. Anywho that’s really all I got to say for now, I gotta go read or conquer a country or something. Actually to be honest I will probably go watch TV and by TV I mean I am gonna go watch the two sisters in my backyard fight each other. Fucking real life reality show, what?
I fucking hate this mother fucking generator, I curse it and all its generator ancestors and generator children. There all a bunch of lazy fucking fucks. We bought a brand new generator a few weeks ago, a cause of great excitement amongst matt and I. Since buying this brand new hunk of shit I have taken it to the mechanic 3 times in 3 uses. I miss just plugging shit into a wall and watching it charge, or better yet going into the bathroom in the middle of the night and just flipping a switch. Although I gotta say in our bathroom you probably don’t want a large light on at night because you would have to see the 30 fucking mice, 12 roaches, 26 giant spiders, and one creepy dude named steve who sits in the corner. Anywho the gen is obviously back to working at least for now, but at the end of two years I am looking forward to going Office Space on the mother fucker and busting it the shit up in the middle of some field to some heavy ghetto ghangsta rap. Mostly cause I am so mother fucking hood.
On to more important business, last week I traveled in the capital city Mos Eisely (or Monrovia). Great times ensued upon reaching said city of scum and villainy, getting there was one fuck of a ride though. The first day I was in a taxi cab with a monkey, and god did that monkey love pulling this womans hair, and god did that make me laugh. About every 5 minutes I would see the mischievous little monkeys eyes pure out from behind my bag, and then sneak up and pull the ladies hair. If someone woulda taught that little fuck how to high five I woulda been laying some serious skin on him, because his practical joking was hilarious and kept me entertained for most of the first leg of the journey. At length that day we reached our friends house in the city (village) of Tappita. The entire day it had not rained but literally as soon as we got out of the cab and started walking for Max’s house it started down pouring. If this lovely country had a Facebook page under its interests and hobbies it would just say raining, and probably potato greens. Anyways so began my days of no sleep and only good times. I rested small for about 20 minutes of each day other than I was up and rocking. The night started with some Kiss me Knockout Power punch wine and closed with some Deep Love wine. They sound as undelightful as the names make them out to be. The next day we woke up late in the day to the dismay of Matthew the only responsible dude amongst us and hit the road. We piled into a taxi van with 20 other people and a few bottles of water we had recently dumped out and filled with palm wine. Good news for us was that bugs were still alive in the palm wine, which from here on out I will call medicine, anyways live bugs in the medicine = bitching sweet medicine. The one saving grace of traveling in Liberia is that you can crush on medicine the entire time you are going anywhere and not have to worry about stupid fucking laws like open container laws. Liberia is totally road soda friendly, which is almost enough to make me want to live here for the rest of my life. Anyways after long travels we reached the most villainous space port in all of the galaxy ate some Indian food, and other delightful things. I spent about $60 on candy at the grocery store, because I fucking love candy. And other than that I was at a Peace Corps event where I met the Vice President, seemed like a stand up fella, o, and I went to this awesome bar that was on a balcony over the Atlantic ocean, but nothing cool ever happens in a place like that so I won’t bore you with the details but they did play Lady Gaga, so there mighta been a dance party or two. O and they sold HL Smoothies (miller high life) for $3 But the highlight of the whole trip came when I bought the bootlegged Predators starring Adrien Brody! For $2 and as a bonus with the predators there is like 25 other shitty movies, including Salt. However, I made possibly the biggest fuck up in history of shitty action movies and did not purchase the bootlegged Expendables. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING!?! I mean it fucking has Mickey Rourke, Stone Cold, Jason “All my movies are the same as Crank” Statham, and holding this whole motley crew together is none other than John fucking Rambo. I don’t really know what it is about, but I hear if you watch it you become pregnant because of the utter hard assedness of it, if you are man you get pregnant because compared to Sly Stallone every person in this world is a sissy girl.
While I was in Mos Eisely I stayed at the very first hotel I ever stayed at in Africa. Well actually it’s not a hotel, but a convent. But they have glass shards on the top of their huge walls encircling the compound and I like to imagine all the nuns where brass knuckles, so it’s a pretty hard ass convent. Anywho, I remember when we first got there and took a cold shower, and slept in a shitty bed, and only had a fan to cool myself I thought to myself, man fucking fuck this fucking fuck pit. However I on my return I was fucking amazed at the glamour of the place. I mean it had toilets that flush at the push of the button, a faucet that dumped water over your head in a shower like fashion, and these amazing electrical things that pushed large quantities of air at you! Fucking Ritz Carlton all up dat bitch.
Let’s see then there was the taxi ride back, it was nice, until we got stuck in the mud for three hours. Though this was a pretty cool I am in fuckin Africa moment. We got stuck at about 4 and the fun began! We had to wait for another taxi to come up to help us, once they got there we hopped on into knee deep mud pit, with winged black baseballs that people in Africa call “flies” swarming around us. For the next hour we pushed and the bald black tires spun in the red mud till they were just red globs of nothingness spitting shit into my face. After a solid hour of enhaling exhaust fumes ala Black and White* the car finally moved up the hill. Than we had to help the next taxi, and the one after that, which in all really helped me to inhale enough exhaust fumes to teach my brain who is boss for weeks. So day gave way to night and every fucking star in the known universe showed up to hang out overhead and watch us push these three taxis out of the muck and mire. Sadly at the bottom of the mud pit there were sharp jagged rocks which cut the shit out of my man feet, so now footsies hurt. But I mean I doubt it will get infected it was just a open sore in the mud for a few hours, and I mean I walk around barefoot all the time, so I just don’t see how it is gonna get infected.
The other important thing that happened on this journey was I duped into eating fucking porcupine again! God damnit! We were stopped at a check point and they were selling meat, and my friend max (this dude who ate snails) poked his head on outta the car and was like watcha selling, to which the response was, country meat. Now I have given a few rules here in Africa and I would like to make an addition to that, if in Africa and someone ever tries to sell you “country” meat don’t fucking get it. Because when they fucking say that shit what they mean to say is hot trash on a fuckin stick otherwise known as porcupine, or other shitty meat. So alas, I ate porcupine, again! Though I found out that last time I ate porcupine I was eating the skin, hence the rubbery goodness about, this time I had a nice cube of p-pine, and holy fucking shit it tasted even more like a rotten baby diaper blended with fat man sweat all served ice cold cubes of pig jiz. Well maybe it wasn’t that bad. Anywho that’s really all I got to say for now, I gotta go read or conquer a country or something. Actually to be honest I will probably go watch TV and by TV I mean I am gonna go watch the two sisters in my backyard fight each other. Fucking real life reality show, what?
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