Scotch and Cookie!!!

Merry Christmas you fuckbags!!! For christmas this year I got myself a wicked sweet sunburn on the beaches of Robertsport. Turns out that fucking equatorial sun is hot mother fucker, which loves burning the shit outta my white white skin. Robersport is where a couple volunteers are stationed, it also happens to be the most wonderully beautiful beach I have ever seen in my life. Picture Gigantic white foam waves crashing against the jet black rocks that are jutting out of the golden sands, not to mention it is utterly devoid of all humanoid life. Anywho I cruised down there with a friend of mine who is in Liberia visiting her mother and father, though I am still counting her as MY first, and likely only, visitor to Liberia. Yay! Anyhwo yesterday was an entirely lovely day, which now brings us to today. Christmas Eve as I sit here sipping my Jack and coffee staring at the wonderfully blue Atlantic ocean I find myself wondering what my family is doing this day, than I remember o fuck me it’s like 5 in the morning there so they are probably sleeping unless they started some new tradition where they get up at 5 in the morning and do some sort of traditionally new tradition thing, which I find unlikely, so I am gonna assume they are sleeping. Though they better respect the greatest Christmas tradition ever, Scotch and cookies mother fuckers! For those of you who don’t know, which is most of you, scotch and cookie consists of taking a bite of Christmas sugar cookie, but wait! Don’t chew, first take a shot of Walker and then proceed to hold that in your mouth and chew the cookie, than swallow that awful concoction! The one who can do it the most times without vomiting wins! Or loses depending on how you look at it. Now that’s Christmas! Anywho this will be the first Christmas I do not spend with my four older brothers. I am finding this harder than I thought it would be, so I am doing the only logical thing: drinking. Which brings me to one important side note: I did an ultra sound this week (I am still sicko) anywho in the ultra sound the one titties on my silk sheets thing I found out (a saying I commonly use for awesome, because having silk sheets is awesome but having titties on those silk sheets is double awesome, everyone knows this) anywho during the ultra sound the doctor commented on what a perfect liver I have! Haha! My liver is alpha and the omega of livers, that mother fucker is titanium plated and filled with kick assery! 10 years of drinking (don’t do the simple math it will only disturb you, but then again I am from Kansas so it shouldn’t shock you) and that liver is still looking handsome and debonair (just like the man whose body it is housed in). Anywho I just wanted to point out how badass my liver is! Boom bitches! Back the point, if I even had one? I looked forward to christmas time every year not for the senseless gift giving (though that fucking rules) but for me coming from a big and spread out family Christmas always represented that time of year for a day or two when my entire family was together. As a baby brother this is fucking amazing as I greatly love and respect each one of my older brothers and parents not to mention no one quite gets the sarcastic ass hole Stolz sarcasm like my brothers and parents. But alas, here I sit in Africa, at Christmas time. I gotta say it is entirely weird to experience this time of year in another country. There are none of the usual American signs its Christmas, those signs of course being people racking up credit card debt like there aint no tomorrow, the repetitive and nauseating repeat of the same old shit ass Christmas music that has been redone into a fucking oblivion (sadly I kinda miss this), the lights and constant saying of Merry Christmas, and finally the cold weather. In this country my indications come in the form of dudes walking around on the streets with plastic Christmas trees on their heads trying to sell them, horrible battery powered Christmas items playing creepy renditions of Christmas carols that serve more to make me like I am in a horror movie about to be chased by a limping, angry never knew I had half brother out for blood. And the final indication people saying where is my Christmas, which is the nice way of saying hey white man give me some fucking money you rich prick! To be honest I have replaced the Dean Martin and Willy Nelson carols usually playing in my house with the great artist Prince’s Pussy Control and ODB Hey Dirtay, now those really put me in the Christmas spirit! Anywho I gotta get back to cooking grandmas stew for the wonderfully sweet person taking me in this Christmas time and laying by the Oceanside pool. I hope this christmas finds you warm (not in the sense that I am, actually I am fucking hot) and surrounded by the people you love! Merry Christmas bitches!