Seriously TR is the off da hook. Mother fucker gave us national parks! Thats really all I need to say about him, o and he loved killing shit and drinking PBR.
“Ah hell, ‘nother night wasted and gone.” These are the words I mutter to myself each morning as I lay in bed and watch as the dark lonely hours of night switch out with the pale gray sunlight of the morning hours. Right now it is about 5 or 6 in the morning give or take. Right now in Denver it is 10 or 11 at night, give or take. This means that all my friends are stabbing holes in the side of a PBR can while standing in a bathtub getting ready for the night. As my friends are getting ready to hit up all my old haunts I am sitting here listening to babies wail, dogs yelp and motorbikes run by. While they are looking around at 50 familiar faces ready to party I am looking out my window at some woman carrying a 3 gallon of bucket of water on her head. I am by no means complaining about my positon in life. I love it here; I am merely making a comparison. Life: Its fucking weird. I am also thinking about my good friend J-Bone Landolfe doing the same thing as me in a different country for a different organization. I am dreaming of the day when him and I finish service and meet up in Moab for two year victory beers and days of climbing the red rock. God I fucking miss climbing. In other news the last couple days have brought a few more victories and a few more losses to the soles of my feet. I will relay them to you in a compliment sandwich. You know that thing that fucking stupid thing managers do where they tell you something good and then something shitty and then something good and you couldn’t give a fuck less about any three of them.
The first victory I had was the sorting out this Holland/Netherland, Danish/Dutch, where the fuck is Amsterdam business. I have spent the last week of my life contorting my mind into all sorts of painful positions trying to figure out where the fuck the Dutch are from, and what the hell the god damned difference between them and the Danes are. This all started because I made the acquaintance of some Dutch people, they are lovely people, and it shamed me good that I didn’t know if they were from Denmark or the Nederland’s. I felt as uneducated as a god damned race horse on Mars. Anywho in America I woulda just had one of my friend with an iPhone look that shit up for me, but that’s not so much the case here. So while I was drinking my Heineken, a Dutch beer, I checked to see what the address was, it was Amsterdam, Holland. Now this really through the proverbially wrench in my proverbially gears and I moved my level of uneducation up from race horse on Mars to billy goat trying to drive cars on Neptune, which is dumb and nonsensical to say the least. I was confused by all this Holland business. Anywho I could not fucking take it anymore, I took action, action that should have been taken long ago. I posted on my Fbook my question. Well it came back with two answers Holland, and the Nederland. Now this really threw me for the final god damned loop. What the fuck is the difference between Holland and Nederland. Finally I just called my friend and made him look it up for me (thanks Luke, I heart you). Here are all the answers I was dying to have and I am sure you are dying to know. Holland and Nederland, they are one in the same, Holland is a part of Nederland. First question solved. Difference between Dutch and Dane, Dutch are from Nederland, Danes are from Denmark. Boom! And finally Amersterdam is in Nederland, it’s the fucking capital of Nederland, I cant believe I did not know that. I am a fucking moron. But alas my mystery is solved, which I wish could say led to peaceful nights of sleep, but it didn’t, which is where my loss comes into play. If I have any Dutch or Danish readers, which I doubt I do, but if I do, I am sorry that I am an idiot, please accept my whole hearted apology.
These fucking rats. Rats I say, I would not mind so much if they were tiny cute little mice, but they are fucking huge hideous rats! There is no current existing swear word that I could use that would explain my hatred for these fucking fury murine creatures, god damned them! I decided to make one up so I now swear at them using the new and awful swear word spadarkank (pronounced spa-dar-kank). These fucking spadarkaking rats are to spadarkaking smart. We have tried every god damned thing in the book of war on rats. Sticky glue, which turned out to kick my ass even more than the rats did and left my fingers sticky for days. Rat traps: they won’t go near them, or when they do they use their super ninja skills to remove the peanut butter without getting caught, and finally chasing them around with a boot on my shoe. They are fast and can slip through tiny holes in the floor and ceiling, plus I don’t know what I would do if I caught one, I would actually probably just run away. They have spent hours digging a tunnel system through our house that would have put the North Vietnamese to shame, which why they are always capable of slipping away! Not only are we dealing with the worlds smartest rats, they must have a great rat school here, we are also dealing with super athletic ninja rats. Spadarkank! Anywho we are reaching desperate measures, I have agreed to get a cat. Its not that I don’t like cats, I am actually quite partial to them, it’s that they make my eyes itch like the crotch of a hooker. But I will take itchy hooker crotch eyes if it means that I don’t have to hear those little fucks trolling about my area at night. I’ll keep you posted.
Finally the other victory. It came from a day at school. Generally at school, I teach the first two and the last two classes of the day. Well by the time I got to my last class of the day most of the students and staff had decided it was Friday and nobody should go to a full day of class on such a special occasion as Friday. I went into my last class I found about 1/3 of my normal student population, this was fantastic for me! Not only were they just my good student left, but the school was empty outside the classroom so I didn’t have to yell to talk to them! I taught them a bomb lesson on the states of matter. Got that point across by making them act like particles in a solid, liquid, or gas, it was good. I felt like an accomplished teacher for once. Then I just hung out for a while and bullshitted with them. When I do this it always ends up with questions about America. People are always shocked to find out I am 23, the average age I get is 35. Age makes no sense here, I always think Liberians who are 43 are 23 and they always think Americans who are 23 are 43. Then of course I said that I was swingin single, which prompted a few marriage proposals from my female students, I graciously declined. Finally we just started talking about life in ‘merica. My favorite question I got all day was “why are there blue, red, and yellow lights everywhere in America?” They meant green, yellow, and red: a traffic light. This just makes me laugh because it something I take for granted. I mean a fucking traffic light is a traffic light, and the bane of many Americans existence, especially those of who like to go work as late as possible and the 30 seconds lost at a traffic light can make the difference between on time and late. Anwyays the most common place things to a person can be the craziest concept to someone else. I spent a 5 minute diatribe on traffic lights and there purpose in life, which amazed my students and made me laugh. Ah earth one planet, with billions of different lives all kickin it at the same time. All human life is so alike, in fact speaking genetically 99% alike and yet that little 1% and location make such a crazy difference between the types of people we are. Well I say Jehovah rain your blessing down on that 1% because it’s what keeps life worth living.
Welp-skis the sun is all the way up now. What the fucking fuck am I gonna do today? Well I guess I will start by placing bets on the two rats having a fight on my floor right now. Who am I gonna bet with? O the rat sitting on my fucking bed right next to my left foot. He’s giving me great odds. God damn it that’s the second time this week they have broken the sanctuary of my bed! These heathens have no respect! Damn them! Damn them all to rat hell! After the rat fight I will probably watch it rain, because its still doing that. Great dry season!
A few other important notes I should make before posting this blog. I have both good news and bad news again, but even the bad news is good news! First the good good news, seeing as the bad news isn’t really bad news it can wait till second. So the good news, I was treated to Cannonball Run 1 but the good news does not stop there it goes on to include I marathoned through CBR 1 and 2! Now this is a treat beyond on words of description. The important thing to note is that B-Reynolds is just as sexy in Africa, and as for his mustache well it might be more glorious in Africa. It was hard to cover up the raging hard on that mustaches power exerts on people. I don’t care if you are a woman, you will get a raging hard on from that stache. Besides the raging hard on my chest exploded in copious amounts of chest hair, I still cant see my nipples due to all the fucking hair. Basically CBR 1 and 2 are the same thing as Smoky and the Bandit 1, 2, and 3 except Burt does not wear a rocking hat, and CBR has Deano and Sammy Davis Jr (only has one eye). But they have all the good parts in common, Burt is still great friends with the truckers, the music still kicks 70’s ass, the staches are still glorious and every woman in the movie is dumb as rocks and has big boobs. And you better believe Deano is always hammered, that dude must have been gifted with at least 12 livers.
Anyways on to the other good news I spent all yesterday vomittig and shitting my brains out, which was accompanied by farts/burps of sulfer! And I still feel like ass! Turns out I gots me some Giardia! My first parasite! Now you are asking yourself why and how is that good news? Well I made it my goal in life to get the 5 sailor illnesses of old. Giardia, dysentery, scurvy, cholera, and malaria. Now there is a list I can gladly put on my resume for any job. I mean my new boss would just glance down, see that I had ALL 5 sailor illnesses, and will stop reading right there, fuck past jobs and experience all they need to see is that list. Anywho I am well on my way with the strong beginning of catching all 5 (just like Pokemon!). The giardia came at a perfect time because my sister-in-law (Jen) is pregnant, so now we both have something growing inside of us! The only difference is my little guy(s) is probably way cuter. O and I am assuming that the whole pregnant thing is not a secret anymore, cause if it was, well it’s not anymore. So congrats from me and everyone who just found out by reading my blog! Anywho I am really sad I could not get the G-train in grade school because I woulda been the most popular kid in school. Fuck buying stink bombs I can make them in my ass (actually lower intestines would be a more accurate area of metabolic manufacturing)! I woulda crop dusted the shit out of so many shopping mall escalators. Maybe it is good I did not have it in grade school though because the other possible outcome of being super stinky is being the super stinky kid that no one wants to sit with at lunch. Anywho as much as I would love to keep writing I don’t feel very good, and I gotta start making plans for getting scurvy or cholera, whichever one is Vitamin C deficiency.
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