(9.26.10)
Well I finally caved and we bought a generator, which means I am now able to power stuff at my house, whenever I want, if that isn’t luxury I don’t know what is. This is good news for me the insomniac seeing seeing I will now again have something to do at night rather than just listen to the rats run around in my ceiling. This whole listening to the rats thing has been my pass time for a little too long now, but the game really gets fun when they come out of the ceiling and start running around my room. That’s when I get to get out of bed at 4 in the fucking morning in my unders with a boot on one hand and a flashlight in the other chasing these little fucks around the room. Though there is one of them that I do not chase out of fear. Seriously the first time I saw this rat I was equally terrified and psyched because it was so damn big I thought it was master Splinter running around up in my house. Needless to say we named him, and we named him Squeakers, Squeaks for short. I am so fucking terrified of this 7 inch rat I cant really put it into words. Squeaks and I have a great understanding, he does whatever the fuck he wants in my room and I let him do it otherwise he will jump on my face and tear it off, and in the process probably give me the bubonic plague! Squeaks and I do have one thing in common though, we both love to climb. One night I was actually sleeping, a rare occurrence to say the least here in Africa, anywho I woke up to ol Squeaks scaling my mosquito right near my head. My entirely manly reaction to this was to cower to the other side of my bed like a little girl and just wait for Squeaks to finish his climbing work out, dude is jacked, I think he might be on some rat roids.
Lets see what else is new, o earlier this week I looked down on my handsomely muscular milky white thigh I noticed a rather large and grotesque red boil just kickin it on my thigh. Well after a short discussion with the boil I decided that it had to pack it bags and get the hell outta Thigh Motel. The discussion between us got much more heated when I noticed a tiny little white thing wriggling all around in the very middle of the boil. Seeing as I have one rule in life and that’s I don’t let little white things pop out of boils on my leg I had to immediately pop it. After some long minutes of excruciating squeezing I popped it and out came my little friend. Turns out that here in Africa there is a fly that will lay its eggs on wet clothes after you have washed them, than when you put your clothes it burrows into your leg and goes to town so to speak. With this in mind now I have decided there is only one solution, Fuck washing my mother fucking clothes if all it does is put some weird ass fucking fly up in upper thigh bidnass area.
On the sickness related front I was sick as shit again this week. We don’t really know for sure what caused it, there was some speculation it was the porcupine, then there was some thought that it was the moldy boiled eggs I have been eating (it wasn’t so I am still eating those), but finally I decided the culprit was none other than the canned fruit cocktail that I was munching on. The reason I went with the fruit cocktail is because as Matt and I were crushing on the cocktail we noticed the gelatinous clear cubes, which of course caused us to look at the ingredients but too bad for us neither of us can read Arabic so that was out the window. In my infinite wisdom I said what is the worst that could happen and continued munching, after another short bit we noticed that there was a picture of a coconut on the front, so we decided these clear gelatinous cubes must surely be the coconut. Well I kept eating but Matt wisely stopped. The continued eating resulted in me getting up at 4 in the morning and hopping on the African teeter totter for awhile. I was actually so fucking sick we thought I had malaria, and let me tell you stabbing your finger and drawing blood sucks when you aren’t puking your brains straight out yo head, but it sucks way worse when the brain puking is the case. I gotta say waiting on a malaria test, is about as fun as waiting on a pregnancy test, or so I have heard from some friends of mine. Thankfully I did not have malaria and just vomited my brains out for a while longer and then felt great!
I have also decided to bring the 90’s back hard in Liberia. These kids have no idea what is actually hip in America so I can tell them whatevs the fucks I wants and they totes believes that shit. Yesterday I told them that all Americans love using the word tubular, so now they are all using it. I think Mondays lesson will probably be on the usage of certain catch phrases like “off da hook!” “that’s bomb.com” and “talk to the hand cause the face aint listening.” Yes if nothing else by the end of my two years here these kids will be speaking mad 90’s Colorado dude talk. So if you have any beloved 90’s phrases you want see make a comeback just let me know and I will implement them into my lesson plans. As a sidenote I would really like to create a website called thebomb.com and on it you would put things that you love. For instance if I aint a super dank cheeseburger, an impossibility in my current state of being, but that’s why it would be all the more bomb.com anyways lets say I did, I would take a picture of me crushing on this burger and post it on the website, that way everyone could go to this website and see pictures of everything that is the bomb.com in there city. It’s a great idea, and don’t fucking steal it you fucks! I also think I am going to tell them that dragons exist in America, not only do they exist but we ride them to work everyday and the best part they will believe me!
We had to go the Dru this week which totally ate a fat one do the road conditions. A 45 minute drive in America is about 3 hours here on a good day, on a bad day, like the one we traveled on, it takes about 6 hours. There was 5 times where all 9, that’s right 9! Of us got out of the taxi cab and had to walk down part of the road so the cab would not get stuck in the giant mud pools that had formed on the “road.” When Liberians say road they actually mean a small path that has been cut through the forest that in america I wouldn’t even ride my fucking mountain bike on. There was actually one hole that was so shitty that someone had come and cut a new path into the bush. So we get out watched our taxi cab back up and disappear into the bush and than come out 50 yards later. It was pretty badass. Anywho when we were a few miles outside of the Dru our taxi got seriously stuck and we had to walk into town the rest of the way, Which leads me to a life rule and question. The life rule is always pack light when traveling in Africa, that a seriously good life rule, cause you never know when your gonna have to throw your shit on your back and swim across a fucking river. The question: what did you do this Friday, was it as hardass as walking down an African path at night? No, o ok. Cool. And yes I use path instead of road on purpose. I mentioned earlier there were 9 of us in the station wagon taxi cab, driver, two in the front passenger seat, 4 in the backseat, and two VIP’s in the trunk area. In Liberia they call trunk riders( people who cant afford the full price) VIP, which I love and think is hilarious. We started with some dude in the trunk but 45 minutues he bitched out cause it was to hot. So that dudes day essentially was riding cramped up in the back of a station wagon bouncing around till he got sick, than getting out, puking, and walking back an hour in the rain. GREAT DAY! After ol pussyface got out we picked up two more dudes though. O and the best part about ol pussyfaces plight is that the driver didn’t even give him his money back!
A quick note to take in: If I were to become a DJ I would be called DJ Bear!Face and I would wear a giant grizzly bear that I would borrowed from a real life grizzly bear. My beats would be bearlicious to say the least. Actually I just want people to start calling me DJ Bear!Face because that name is so fucking fresh.
I would also like to take this time to address Tuskan raiders. I bring up Tuskan raiders because we often compare Liberia to Tattooine, that’s how bad it can be sometimes. Anyways really the only reason that the L country is better than that god forsaken desert planet is the fact that Tuskan Raiders do not exist here. If you haven’t seen Star Wars first publically shame yourself than stop reading this and go fucking watch it you asshole. Anywho TR’s are the worst, I mean they sit up on cliffs with bitchin sweet rifles and just shoot at passing cars. I mean imagine trying to go to work and having your car shot by TR’s, fucking awful. Though they also shoot at the pods during podraces, which I think opens up an interesting idea for Nascar. Everyone know that the only reason anyone watches Nascar is for the wrecks, so imagine how much better it would be there were just some crazy desert monsters in a tower shooting at Junior, and Jeff. I would become the biggest fucking Nascar fan ever, well not the biggest because I think a few stipulations for being the biggest Nascar fan ever are beating your wife and being morbidally obese, but I would still really like it.
Well that’s really all I got for now I gotta get up and go to Mos Eisely (Monrovia) in the morning to do some business and also to buy a backpack full of fucking skittles because I fucking love them! O real quick if you know me than you already know this but I actually have two rules in life, I already mentioned one in this post, and the other of course is No fatties. Just wanted
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Why didn't you tell me you were a cyborg?
I didn’t think you needed to know! The headline and that line were from a movie I heard when I was walking by a videoclub one day. And the only comment I am going to make about this is you should ALWAYS tell someone if you are a cyborg, I mean that is some pertinent information, so if you are a cyborg and haven’t told everyone SHAME ON YOU!
Porcupines and children (09.16.10)
These are some nonsensicle stories that I either made up or actually happened to me these past two weeks since I left you.
Living without technology is really not all it’s cracked up to be, most specifically I need a mother fucking iPod dude. Life without good tunes is not at all bearable. However, I did it for two weeks, and not because I wanted to, but because I had no way or charging those things that needed charging, I mean I tried charming and charging them with my stunning good looks, but to be honest I think it was too powerful for them as my computer nearly exploded from too much energy. We still do not have a generator, but we did befriend a rad Lebanese dude named Rafic, who has been helping us out (namely bringing me some whiskey from Monrovia) but he also let us charge our shit at his shop which totes rules. I would like to take this time to say thanks to the American people for buying my beer last night when I was hanging out with a few of the teachers from work. Be at ease Americans! Your tax dollars are hard at work at the local African bar helping me make friends!
So last week I ate some of the worlds most dangerous game: PORCUPINE! Some woman was walking with some food on her head and I was all like “yo lady whatcha got on tops that noggin?” and she was all like “what did you say whiteman?” and I was like “what food you selling?” Well after some more small talk that I wont make you suffer through, I mean I think you get the feeling for the conversation, I found out she was selling my favorite soup, Pepper soup. I proceeded to ask her what meat was in the soup and after some discussion it was found to be a porcupine. At this point two thoughts immediately jump into my head 1. Fuck, that sounds really gross. 2. But dude how many chances are you gonna get to eat the mighty and majestic porcupine? Well needless to say the idiot side of me won out and I purchased some of the P-pine. It likes eating a spiky tire, except I think the tire might have a little better flavor, and be a smidge easier to chew. Here is a good rule for y’all: Never fucking eat that shit ass animal. Anyways at some later point I was walking through the market picking up some food and coal to cook that night and I ran across the infamous Putter. Putter is white mud that people eat. I don’t know why anyway would ever want to eat mud, seriously who the fuck eats it? I mean I bet it taste that dirt or maybe chicken. Anyways I while eating my egg sandwich later that day I was marveling at the fact that I could make a porcupine-mud sandwich, I wouldn’t ever want to, but I live in a place where I have that option. I mean go to your local Subway and order that! You fucking cant! Though I cant either because I lack the Subway to begin with.
Later that night when making dinner we ran into the small problem of we made way too many rice and beans. We made a fuck ton of rice and beans and I was going to try and power through it and eat it all because, you know, there are starving children in Africa, but than I was like fuck dude I don’t need to make myself sick eating too much, because I am in fucking Africa and those starving kids are literally right outside my door. So as a result the little kids that hang out outside my house got to eat some rice and beans. But while I was still eating my rice and beans I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a lime with my meal, so I asked a kid and they literally ran to my backyard and picked a lime from the lime tree! BOOM!
Teaching is going slow, I have both tenth grade classes for chemistry and biology (there is a little over 50 in all four classes which means I have to grade about 200 fucking papers every time I give homework or a quiz and let me tell you what really sucks, doing that shit!) Anyways they are a little bit behind of where they should be, and by a little I mean crazy far behind. To give you an idea of how far behind they are I asked them what 10 times 1000 is and the best guess I got was 8. It’s not that they are dumb by any means, it just that the war put education way far behind and that sucks. But anyways the kids or rather adults seeing as most of my students are older than me are good people and they really do want to learn so that’s cool. But I teach 3 days a week, so I mean I am just so busy that I cant even put it into words! O wait no I am not! I am not busy at all; mostly I just sit around and read all day! Though I am looking forward to November so I can start on some secondary projects as I think they will be the more helpful part of my service and also they will really cut down on the boredom.
Lets see what else is new???? O here is a fun fact: There are fucking maggots crawling out the hole in the ground (toilet) in the house. So that sucks. That’s really all I have to say about that.
O and this week I have to chaperon a high school dance! So that makes me feel awesome! Its going to be at the rocking club called the Embassy! The Embassy is the club in our small town, I think I saw six people there once. Also as a good rule of thumb, the best place to enjoy the Embassies speaker system is across the street, because they turn up there fucking speakers so loud it would give a deaf man a headache from too much noise. But rest assured friends I will be making sure there is gosh plenty room for the Holy Spirit! If there is one thing that catholic school taught me besides nuns are scary, it is always to leave room for the H-Spirit!
And to wrap it a few highlights Spaghetti is fucking delicious and the Bleard is back and here to stay! At least until mustachio march.
O here is another fun story, last night at about 4 in the morn I was outside draining the ol’ lizard and seeing as it is 4 AM in Africa its fucking pitch black! So as I am standing there doing my thing this dude walking by just says hello. THIS SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF ME! I mean it’s a good thing I was peeing already otherwise I woulda pissed my fucking pants. I mean just cant go around tossing out hellos when people don’t even know you are there! It literally scares the piss out of them!
Well that’s about all I got so my advice to you is to go do something cool with your life rather than reading this shitty thing.
Porcupines and children (09.16.10)
These are some nonsensicle stories that I either made up or actually happened to me these past two weeks since I left you.
Living without technology is really not all it’s cracked up to be, most specifically I need a mother fucking iPod dude. Life without good tunes is not at all bearable. However, I did it for two weeks, and not because I wanted to, but because I had no way or charging those things that needed charging, I mean I tried charming and charging them with my stunning good looks, but to be honest I think it was too powerful for them as my computer nearly exploded from too much energy. We still do not have a generator, but we did befriend a rad Lebanese dude named Rafic, who has been helping us out (namely bringing me some whiskey from Monrovia) but he also let us charge our shit at his shop which totes rules. I would like to take this time to say thanks to the American people for buying my beer last night when I was hanging out with a few of the teachers from work. Be at ease Americans! Your tax dollars are hard at work at the local African bar helping me make friends!
So last week I ate some of the worlds most dangerous game: PORCUPINE! Some woman was walking with some food on her head and I was all like “yo lady whatcha got on tops that noggin?” and she was all like “what did you say whiteman?” and I was like “what food you selling?” Well after some more small talk that I wont make you suffer through, I mean I think you get the feeling for the conversation, I found out she was selling my favorite soup, Pepper soup. I proceeded to ask her what meat was in the soup and after some discussion it was found to be a porcupine. At this point two thoughts immediately jump into my head 1. Fuck, that sounds really gross. 2. But dude how many chances are you gonna get to eat the mighty and majestic porcupine? Well needless to say the idiot side of me won out and I purchased some of the P-pine. It likes eating a spiky tire, except I think the tire might have a little better flavor, and be a smidge easier to chew. Here is a good rule for y’all: Never fucking eat that shit ass animal. Anyways at some later point I was walking through the market picking up some food and coal to cook that night and I ran across the infamous Putter. Putter is white mud that people eat. I don’t know why anyway would ever want to eat mud, seriously who the fuck eats it? I mean I bet it taste that dirt or maybe chicken. Anyways I while eating my egg sandwich later that day I was marveling at the fact that I could make a porcupine-mud sandwich, I wouldn’t ever want to, but I live in a place where I have that option. I mean go to your local Subway and order that! You fucking cant! Though I cant either because I lack the Subway to begin with.
Later that night when making dinner we ran into the small problem of we made way too many rice and beans. We made a fuck ton of rice and beans and I was going to try and power through it and eat it all because, you know, there are starving children in Africa, but than I was like fuck dude I don’t need to make myself sick eating too much, because I am in fucking Africa and those starving kids are literally right outside my door. So as a result the little kids that hang out outside my house got to eat some rice and beans. But while I was still eating my rice and beans I was thinking about how nice it would be to have a lime with my meal, so I asked a kid and they literally ran to my backyard and picked a lime from the lime tree! BOOM!
Teaching is going slow, I have both tenth grade classes for chemistry and biology (there is a little over 50 in all four classes which means I have to grade about 200 fucking papers every time I give homework or a quiz and let me tell you what really sucks, doing that shit!) Anyways they are a little bit behind of where they should be, and by a little I mean crazy far behind. To give you an idea of how far behind they are I asked them what 10 times 1000 is and the best guess I got was 8. It’s not that they are dumb by any means, it just that the war put education way far behind and that sucks. But anyways the kids or rather adults seeing as most of my students are older than me are good people and they really do want to learn so that’s cool. But I teach 3 days a week, so I mean I am just so busy that I cant even put it into words! O wait no I am not! I am not busy at all; mostly I just sit around and read all day! Though I am looking forward to November so I can start on some secondary projects as I think they will be the more helpful part of my service and also they will really cut down on the boredom.
Lets see what else is new???? O here is a fun fact: There are fucking maggots crawling out the hole in the ground (toilet) in the house. So that sucks. That’s really all I have to say about that.
O and this week I have to chaperon a high school dance! So that makes me feel awesome! Its going to be at the rocking club called the Embassy! The Embassy is the club in our small town, I think I saw six people there once. Also as a good rule of thumb, the best place to enjoy the Embassies speaker system is across the street, because they turn up there fucking speakers so loud it would give a deaf man a headache from too much noise. But rest assured friends I will be making sure there is gosh plenty room for the Holy Spirit! If there is one thing that catholic school taught me besides nuns are scary, it is always to leave room for the H-Spirit!
And to wrap it a few highlights Spaghetti is fucking delicious and the Bleard is back and here to stay! At least until mustachio march.
O here is another fun story, last night at about 4 in the morn I was outside draining the ol’ lizard and seeing as it is 4 AM in Africa its fucking pitch black! So as I am standing there doing my thing this dude walking by just says hello. THIS SCARED THE FUCK OUT OF ME! I mean it’s a good thing I was peeing already otherwise I woulda pissed my fucking pants. I mean just cant go around tossing out hellos when people don’t even know you are there! It literally scares the piss out of them!
Well that’s about all I got so my advice to you is to go do something cool with your life rather than reading this shitty thing.
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